I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
