Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
