You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
