I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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