They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
