Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
