I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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