Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Randomize
