I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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