everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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