What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
