I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
