I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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