Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
