toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
