Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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