her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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