I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
