remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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