I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
