Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
And then my night got REAL pukey
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
