i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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