I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I have tasted many bathrooms
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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