Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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