im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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