omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
