she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
