I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Is Oprah even human
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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