i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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