as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
