Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
