I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
