I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
