Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
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