I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
