The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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