that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
