She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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