Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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