So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
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