OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
