i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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