After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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