forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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