roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
