so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
