god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
