He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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