Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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