You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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