Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
