Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
