Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
