does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You ate ashes out of my bong
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
