Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
