she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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