honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I can text with my tongue
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
