New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
