if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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